Intimacy – Deb Thomas, MS LMFT
Have you listened to our Sex & Intimacy series yet? If not, drop what you’re doing and go listen, follow the link HERE. One of the guests during the series was Deb Thomas. We sat down with her to have a therapy session that we released in three episodes during our Sex & Intimacy series. You can hear the episodes with Deb here, Episode One, Episode Two, & Episode Three. Deb wrote this blog post in response to a listener comment, made during the original release of the series.
“Women don’t seem to know that they are meant to enjoy sex. Even 25 through 50 year old women! The gals in my church women’s group I host and the ones in my Facebook group all think I must have a super high libido- I don’t- and always act like they are thankful if they get away with not being asked to have sex with their spouses. Yikes. My husband thinks it’s men’s lack of knowledge on anatomy that leads these women to not enjoy sex? Idk. But it’s crazy to me. Sooo sad.”
Thank you for this comment! I agree. It is so sad that more women don’t enjoy sex! Far too many women come into my therapy office, reporting “I hate sex. Sex has always been terrible.” For these couples, she often thinks he actually enjoys the sex they have. And, while he “likes it ok,” he isn’t thrilled. Instead of sex like a gourmet meal, sex probably feels a lot like frozen pizza—sometimes good, other times just ok, but most usually, not great! In these situations, there is a good chance that both of them suffer from lack of knowledge, connection and sexual shame.
As your husband suspects, one of the primary problems is education—both male and female lack education on the ingredients for sexual pleasure which includes learning about the female anatomy, as well as a host of ingredients that help create pleasure and intimacy. Happily, there are amazing resources for the couple willing to learn. One of my favorite ways to learn is the Passion for Life Intimacy retreat. This retreat, created by Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers, includes all the ingredients needed for a great sex life.
In addition to lack of education, many females have been fed a plate full of mixed messages about their sexuality from culture and church. She may have been told that his sex drive was out of control (unfair to both males and females) and she needed to avoid wearing something too provocative or give him mixed messages. Growing up, if she was interested in sex, she risked a lecture on sexual immorality or being called a slut; if she shunned sex, she was a prude. In addition, sex on television, movies and porn is primarily focused on male pleasure—there is a lack of information that sex is for females too! Peggy Orenstein explores this topic in Girls and Sex documenting a host of negative messages females receive about sex.
We all need to get the word out to both males and females can enjoy sex!